Knocking at the Door

At the Presbyterian church this morning, the bulletin had a prayer that stood out to me:

"O Lord God, who does ever stand at the closed doors of the hearts of men and women, knocking and seeking entrance, give me the grace to open to You. Give me open ears that I may hear your voice. Give me an open mind that I may receive your truth. Give me open eyes that I may see opportunities for service. Now, as I bow before you in prayer, purge from me all idle thoughts and a sluggish will. As you have promised to come into the hearts and lives of those who will receive You, enter my heart today. Guide my thoughts and control my will. Grant that others may see Christ in what I do and hear Him in what I say. In Jesus' name. Amen."

I especially liked the part about "Give me open eyes that I may see opportunities for service." I often go into situations thinking about myself, and I don't know what exactly I can do to help others. But, if God or others can guide me on this, then I can know what to do. In the meantime, I should practice offering people help if they appear to need it.

How about the part about "Give me open ears that I may hear your voice"? I have a slight problem with this. When God's "voice" has been presented within Christianity (not in this church, per se, which emphasizes God's compassion and love, but rather in conservative Christianity) as "obey this or else," "believe this way or you will burn in hell forever and ever," "you're not serving God because you're not an extrovert reaching out to others," "gay people can't pursue committed relationships," or "God is loving, but God is also just," then why would I want open ears that I might hear God's voice? How would I even identify God's voice? By whether or not it accords with the harsh teachings of conservative Christianity and parts of the Bible? I'm cool with trying to be open to constructive ways to see a situation---to good guidance. If that is being open to God's voice, fine! But here's another issue: I don't like to be dogmatic about something being the voice of God. How would I even know it's God? Maybe it's from me---either my wishful thinking, or my tendency to be too hard on myself.

On the idle thoughts and sluggish will parts, I see little problem with idle thoughts. They can be fun! But I find them problematic when they interfere with my work. On being sluggish, I don't feel compelled to be overly active. I think that there can be low-key ways to serve.

I'm not big on anyone guiding my thoughts or controlling my will, or people seeing Christ in me. I prefer to be an individual who is being guided by God in life, with the freedom to say "no," without God ditching me. Part of that was actually the point of the children's service this morning (which was taught by the pastor and his puppet, Jake): we're all different and can contribute in different ways.

Here's another thought that I had while singing the hymns and listening to the sermon: Do I believe that Jesus is standing at the door of my heart and knocking, ready to offer me comfort and guidance? I haven't seen that sort of thing all that often in my life, even in the days when I was less cynical and was more of a believer. Moreover, sometimes, in my mind, I see Jesus as an apocalyptic prophet whose prediction of an imminent kingdom of God failed. What makes Christians think that he was more than that? I also have a hard time relating to the Jesus who was presented at church---in a picture of a white, blonde-haired Jesus knocking on the door. What is that person even like? And how does one even know Jesus? I only know about him from what I read in a book. How can I be intimate with that? It's like being "intimate" or having a personal relationship with Tom Sawyer.

But I enjoyed the prayer and the pastor's message this morning because it overlapped with a discussion that I read on a message board, in which a person asked what a personal relationship with Jesus was. A Christian responded that Jesus is like the wind: he's out there, and he's around us. That overlapped somewhat with the pastor's message this morning: Jesus is continually knocking. (And I especially appreciated that he did not say that Jesus may go away if we don't open the door---garbage that I have actually heard in conservative Christian circles). The point is that Jesus is there. I don't have to make him be there through my thoughts. I think, though, that the pastor was sort of going in that direction, in one part of his sermon---when he said that lack of belief and a hard-heart can hinder Jesus' presence, or something like that. That doesn't resonate with me a great deal. I'd like to think that Jesus---or God---is communicating to humanity, and it's up to us to accept what he says, or to reject it. But Jesus is still there.

This was a difficult post to write, so pardon my unclarity!