Where Do I Stand?

One of my problems as I struggle with Asperger's Syndrome is this: I don't know where I stand with people. Many with Asperger's like neat categories, and they want clear goals that they can reasonably attain. For example, in school, I get an assignment, I do it, and I receive a grade on it. Sounds easy, as long as the professor gives me clear guidelines that I can follow. With social situations, however, things are not so simple. My goal in a social situation is to be liked, but I don't know how to arrive at that goal. People tell me that I can get others to like me by smiling, saying "hi" to them, and asking them how they're doing, but I don't find that to be a magic formula. Sure, I'll turn people off by doing the opposite, but pretending to be upbeat doesn't magically cause friendships to form around me.

And, then, even if I get someone to like me in one social situation, that doesn't necessarily mean that the person will like me in another one. So I never really feel secure, at least not with most people. For me, social situations are not something mechanical, in which I can do certain things and automatically achieve the desired results. Often, I feel that I try hard and obtain no fruit of my labor. Social situations are so ambiguous, and I want neat categories.

The same goes with religion. I really don't know where I stand with God. According to Christianity, people are saved by faith, yet they demonstrate that they truly have faith through their good works. Even Paul, the champion of justification by grace through faith, affirmed that those who follow the works of the flesh will not enter the kingdom of God. Paul promoted the fruit of the Spirit. But that doesn't help me much, since I do the works of the flesh. When a person has something that I wish I had but cannot get, I become jealous. When someone rejects me, I hate that person. I'm only human. Christians can then say, "Well, you've got to repent," but how, pray tell, do I do that? I can't turn off my emotions like they're a light switch. So Christianity doesn't give me much assurance, specifically the versions that treat good works as a proof of salvation. Sure, I do some good things, but I also have a lot of bad feelings and emotions. How good do I have to be before I can finally pat myself on the back and say, "Okay, you're officially saved"?

Judaism has some better components (from a certain point of view), but it isn't perfect. What I like about Judaism is that you can get points by doing clear, specific mitzvot. It's kind of like the homework assignment I mentioned above: I'm given a clear goal, and I know how to attain it. Christianity, however, says that we have to do everything with the right motivation for it to count before God, and I don't know how to control my motivations. Judaism's commandments at least seem doable. I talked with a professor at Hebrew Union College about idolatry, and he said that one observes the commandment against idols by not bowing down to an image: clear, simple, and doable. But Christianity considers idolatry to be putting anything ahead of God. When I hear the Christian version of the commandment, I don't know what to do. Do I have to do religious activities 24 hours a day? How do I know that I'm not putting other things ahead of God?

What I dislike about Judaism is that it seems to say that one enters eternal bliss by doing more good deeds than bad deeds. That's one version of Judaism, and I know that E.P. Sanders presents a more complex picture. But I don't know if my good deeds outweigh my bad ones. I don't do an automatic calculation in my mind, plus there may be deeds that I miss.

What I try to do in my day to day life is remember that God loves me. God commands me to love others, and I assume that he doesn't want me to do something that he's unwilling to do himself.