"I Feel So Clean!"

In Luke 3:19-20, we read, "But Herod the ruler, who had been rebuked by him because of Herodias, his brother's wife, and because of all the evil things that Herod had done, added to them all by shutting up John in prison" (NRSV).

The phrase that intrigues me is "added to them all." Believe it or not, it makes me appreciate God's forgiveness!

Imagine being in a place where you are so bad, that one more bad deed doesn't really matter. I mean, Herod was already a condemned man. He had done numerous evil things. Even if he hadn't put John in prison, he would've still been under God's condemnation. What's one more sin?

It's like an experience I had in the fourth grade. In those days, I wasn't exactly the best student in the world, and my teacher informed me in front of the entire class that she was giving me an F-plus on an assignment. And, to be honest, I really didn't care. I had already received a number of F's, so one more didn't exactly phase me. And, as far as I was concerned, being a straight-A student appeared unattainable. In my eyes, I was already bad, and I could not be good, so why even try?

But Herod didn't have to keep on adding on to his already bad record. He could have received a clean slate--through God's forgiveness.

I'm reminded of another character in Luke's Gospel. This woman was a notorious sinner, but she wasn't entirely like Herod. She was more of a sexual sinner, whereas Herod was an adulterer, a murderer, a tyrant, and a suppressor of God's word. But she had a long list of sins, and she loved Jesus more because she felt her need for forgiveness. Jesus told a parable to illustrate:

"A certain creditor had two debtors; one owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. When they could not pay, he canceled the debts for both of them. Now which of them will love him more?...Therefore, I tell you, her sins, which were many, have been forgiven; hence she has shown great love. But the one to whom little is forgiven, loves little" (Luke 7:41-42, 47).

When I was reading the parallel story in Matthew 26:6-13, I wondered how anyone could adore Jesus that much, especially since I have a hard time developing an emotionally euphoric approach to him. But Luke gives an answer: her large debt was erased. Jesus lifted a huge burden off of her shoulders. She could go through life feeling clean, with the knowledge that God held nothing against her. What freedom that entailed!

If only Herod had realized that he could've received a clean slate. He didn't have to continue being bad.

One problem in my Christian walk is that I don't exactly feel guilty. I look at my sins, and I see them as flaws that are characteristic of the entire human race. Consequently, I have a hard time beating myself up over them. I like this one paragraph from Chris Tilling's May 29, 2008 post on his blog, Chrisendom, entitled "The Gospel according to":

"In order to make people feel guilty, we invent ways of convincing people that they are sinners. We have to make a problem for them, for Jesus to be a real solution. But is that really what the gospel is about? And how do we try to make a problem for people? We try to argue that all are murderers, or all are like Hitler before God. But does this argument convince you? What does it say about God?"

I don't have a hard time agreeing that Hitler and Charles Manson are evil, since they've transgressed the boundaries of human decency. But saying that I'm evil just because I have lust, jealousy, and a failure to love every human being? I have difficulty doing that, since everyone has those kinds of issues.

And yet, do I feel clean? No, I feel defiled. And it's not only because I have a bad past. I can't really do anything about that now. Plus, unlike Herod, I don't exactly have literal murder and adultery on my record. But there are aspects of my personality now that do not satisfy me: selfishness, pride, hate, jealousy, anger, etc., etc.

But it's possible even for an upstanding human being to feel guilt about his life. In Dale Buss' Family Man: The Biography of Dr. James Dobson, we read about Joe Kubishta, the step-father of Jim Dobson's wife, Shirley. Joe was a decent guy. He was a World War II hero and a hard-worker. He married Anna Deere, "lifting her and her children, Shirley and John, from the economic ravages of divorce" (294). He was like a second father to Jim after his dad (Jim, Sr.) passed away in 1977.

Although Joe went to church with his family and fit into the evangelical sub-culture, "the Dobsons and Alma Kubishta never were entirely sure that he had grasped the concept of salvation, even after Dobson took him to lunch one day specifically to talk about it" (295). When Joe was in the final stage of leukemia, Dobson feared that he wouldn't go to heaven. Buss goes on:

"Dobson came to his bedside and confronted him" 'Joe, do you know for certain that you will be in heaven with us when you die?' Kubishta wept quietly but didn't respond. A few days later, Kubishta prayed what is known as the sinner's prayer--a simple acceptance of salvation--with his Baptist pastor, and he rejoiced to share the news with his stepdaughter and son-in-law.

"'Jim, I'm saved! I'm saved!' he said. Dobson recalls how the next day, the usually stoic Kubishta looked up through his tears and said, 'I feel so clean, Jim, so clean.' He died at about 1:30 in the morning on February 19, 2003. Dobson finally has no doubt that his adoptive father-in-law will be with his family in heaven" (295, emphasis mine).

Joe Kubishta was a good man, yet he felt unclean. Only when he accepted God's forgiveness did he feel certain that he was going to heaven.

We all sin and fall short of God's glory, and even good people can feel guilty and unsure about whether or not they'll enter God's kingdom. Personally, I have a hard time feeling guilty about much of my past, but I still hope that God doesn't hold it against me. I've also learned that sins I tend to minimize may have had a damaging impact on other people. That shouldn't make me go crazy, but it should encourage me to be responsible in how I act. I need atonement for my past sins, yet I also want to be cleansed of my current character flaws.