The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 29

I finished The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships. In this post, I'll highlight something that Temple Grandin says on page 378, about why she takes medication:

"Not everybody needs medication but I am one of those who do. For me, socialization is impossible if I constantly feel like I'm being attacked by a lion."

I am not that afraid, but I have felt social anxiety, largely because I don't know what to say to people, or I am self-conscious about making a mistake, or I fear being looked at like I'm some sort of freak (which happens). When others ask me questions and are interested in my response, then that anxiety may go down a bit. But how can I make my anxiety go down? One thing a counselor told me was that, as I listen to others attentively, I become more relaxed. Then, I can share some things about myself. For me, the challenge is to find open-ended questions that can enable me to invite others to share about themselves.

Tomorrow is the last day of National Autism Month. I'll post something. Stay tuned!

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 28

For my write-up today on The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, I'll highlight something on page 363. It's talking about Jennifer McIlwee Myers, who wrote a section of the book:

"Jennifer has been married to Gary Myers for eleven years. They met at a science fiction/fantasy book discussion group, where he wowed her with his encyclopedic knowledge of horror films and early 20th C. fantasy literature."

I liked that. As a matter of fact, I also liked how my latest reading of the book was about how Aspies can be interested in certain topics and draw from their interests as they attempt to cope with life. For example, Jennifer holds on to a Harry Potter or Disneyland item in her pocket if she needs to calm down. I'm not interested in Harry Potter so much (at least not yet), but I like, say, Star Trek: Voyager. And wouldn't it be nice if I could wow a lady with my eccentric interests (i.e., the life of Richard Nixon, which I will read and blog about in 2013). :D

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 27

In my latest reading of The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, the topic was managing anger. I enjoyed what author Robert S. Sanders, Jr. had to say about how he handled his anger. I liked what he said about how he devises fantasy class syllabi to deal with his anger. For example, he has fantasy classes on arrogance, egotism, etc.

I especially appreciated what Sanders said on page 357: "I don't feel that AS individuals always have to conform to the norms of social rules of conduct, but at the same time, it's not useful to any of us to carry our anger too far."

I'd like to fit in, but I also don't want to be a clone. I think that sometimes a contrarian or a degree of eccentricity makes life interesting! But it shouldn't be taken too far, I guess, to the point that it's utterly disruptive.

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 26

In my latest reading of The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, Sean Barron tells a story about when he walked into the recording studio where his parents worked and made a social mistake. Sean was in a bad mood because he did poorly on a test earlier that day, and so he breezed past one of his parents' co-workers, Marcia (with whom he was acquainted), without saying hello. Sean's mom corrected him on that, and Sean sank deeper into his morose mood. When he went out to dinner with his parents that night, he wanted them to ask him what was wrong and to try to comfort him. But whenever they did ask him what was wrong, he was unresponsive. From this experience, Sean learned the "Three strikes and you're out" principle:

"Most people will give you the benefit of the doubt a few times, and after that, if you don't take responsibility for either changing your behavior or repairing the situation, they lose interest in further social interaction with you." (Page 347)

I could identify with Sean's story. For one, it teaches me that it's important to be polite even when I'm in a bad mood. Granted, it may be difficult for some to be cheerful and to make small-talk when they feel badly, but saying "hello" doesn't have to take much effort. At the same time, Sean then had to go out with his parents when he was in a bad mood, and that would be difficult. Perhaps honest communication would have defused the situation (as hard as that may be), or he could have pretended to be happy just to get through the dinner.

Second, I can understand why Sean felt bad after he was corrected. Perhaps he wanted for his mom to treat him as an adult rather than a little kid, or he was embarrassed. Moreover, Sean said earlier in the book that he confused making mistakes with being a mistake, and he probably felt as a result of his mom's correction that he was a mistake.

Third, I learn not to put heavy expectations on the world around me. I've often expected the world to be unconditionally loving and accepting of me, when it is not. I shouldn't assume that the entire world is against me, since, as Temple says, that can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. But I shouldn't expect for everyone in the world to be unconditionally accepting, either.

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 25: Humor

In my latest reading of The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, Sean Barron talks about how humor is a good social skill and can attract people to you.

I agree that this is often the case. But I think that humor can be mis-used by people with Asperger's as they attempt to fit in. For example, Temple Grandin has talked about people with Asperger's being fired from jobs for making fun of a person's weight. My hunch is that those people with Asperger's were trying to fit in by being funny, with disastrous results.

I know that Sean doesn't have this sort of thing in mind when he is referring to humor. He explicitly says that we should not use humor to deliberately hurt someone else. But, in my opinion, society pressures people to talk and to be funny in order to be accepted, and that can lead to inappropriate remarks. Moreover, I find that I'm funniest when I'm not pressured with some rule saying "Thou shalt be funny or you won't fit in, and people won't like you, and you won't make friends, have a significant other, or get or keep a job" (and I want to make clear that Sean and Temple don't use those words). Traversing through society's social expectations is like going through a mine-field.

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 24

For my write-up today on The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, I'll use as my starting-point something that Sean Barron says on page 328:

"For years, I reacted to uncomfortable situations with silence. During the same time, I clung to the mistaken notion that silence was just that----a void, empty of meaning. Regardless of how hard I tried to remove myself from that uncomfortable situation by retreating into myself, I always gave off something negative that those in my presence felt and picked up on every time. In itself, this is another unwritten rule of social interaction: being silent is a form of communication all its own. There are appropriate and inappropriate times and places for being silent. Inappropriate silence speaks volumes and the old adage, 'silence is golden' doesn't always apply."

This is where I struggle. I'm told that I shouldn't be so quiet because people interpret me as cold or ignore me. But then I talk a lot and, because I don't know what to say, I end up saying things that are awkward or inappropriate. Nowadays, I don't speak unless I feel a need to do so. But I'm around my family, and, overall, they accept me anyway. Whether my current approach would work with strangers, I do not know.

Temple and Sean offer ideas on how to initiate small talk: compliment someone, for instance. According to Temple, one shouldn't be hurt if another person doesn't want to continue a conversation. That makes sense to me. I don't have to expect everyone to find me dazzling, but there might be some people who would be interested in talking with me.

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 23

In my latest reading of The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, the topic was good grooming. I think I dress appropriately in public, overall. My problem in the past, though, was that I had to walk uphill to school every day, with the result that I was often sweaty when I arrived. What I should have done (and did do, often) was wash up in the restroom before I presented myself to the general public. But what do you do when your clothes are sweaty? Take a change of shirt? I suppose. But my backpack was heavy enough as it was!

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 22: Tell Me More

For my write-up today on The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, I'll use as my starting-point something that Sean Barron says on page 300:

"Using lead-ins. By this I mean good conversation openers and phrases that encourage the interaction to continue. These are things like, 'That's interesting. Tell me more.' They also include paraphrasing (without repeating verbatim) what the person told you. For example, someone tells you that she feels sad because her mother died or that she is overjoyed at getting an A on her test. You could respond with something like, 'I'm sorry about your mother. I can tell you're feeling very sad. Tell me about her,' or 'That's great. I see how happy you are about your grade.'"

I think that there's something to that. In the past, I've had my doubts about whether saying "Tell me more" is a good social mechanism. I've envisioned myself responding if someone said "Tell me more" to me with, "Well, I'm not entirely sure what to say or what you're looking for..." I've feared that people would tell me that if I asked them to tell me more. Plus, I remember one guy telling me about his job, and then he closed the conversation with "That's all I have to say about that." So I wondered if I was right even to ask him about his job at the outset! Perhaps I should have asked specific questions, but ones that were open-ended. I don't know.

On the other hand, in a world that does not listen to me much anyway, I have felt refreshed when someone says, "So, tell me more about" such-and-such. And, when someone paraphrases what I say, that tells me that the person is listening. So perhaps there's something to Sean's advice.

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 21

For my write-up today on The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, I will use as my starting-point something that Temple Grandin says on page 295:

"Some of the 'safe subjects' I talk about are the weather, our surroundings, recent movies, whether or not the person has pets, asking about any hobbies they have, etc. If I'm at an autism meeting, I know I can ask about different therapies or the school program, or books on autism or Asperger's. One of the rules about conversation topics that seems to apply generally in society is there are three subjects you don't discuss with strangers and most people who are not close friends: sex, politics, and religion. People let their emotions get all tied up into those subjects which can result in volatile reactions that are sometimes hard to handle. I have close friends I can discuss these subjects with, but I don't talk about them with strangers. When I was in my twenties, I was obsessed with talking about the meaning of life. I did not realize that most people do not spend hours talking about such a deep subject. Today that's another subject I only discuss with few very close friends."

I think that there may be a place to talk about politics and religion with strangers. But it has to be done in a non-threatening way. Often, in the past, I did not discuss these subjects overly well with people. I did so in a manner that alienated many people from me, though (I have to be honest) I also managed to attract people to me, since they thought that I was smart, or they agreed with what I had to say, or they wanted to debate me. I struggled with social skills----probably less in my high school years than I do now, but I still struggled, and talking about politics and religion gave me a voice, something to talk about with other people. The thing is, a lot of people don't want to talk about deep subjects all of the time, or they do not desire for me to shove my beliefs down their throats.

Sean Barron in my latest reading of this book talks about how he was uncomfortable going out with friends of his parents because they knew a lot about the music industry, and Sean did not know much about that topic and thus felt that he had nothing to contribute to the conversations. Consequently, Sean learned about obscure jazz musicians from almanacs and other sources, and he felt empowered when he talked about these musicians to his parents' friends, who did not know about them.

I can identify with Sean here. I often enjoyed learning facts about, say, Presidents and the Bible, and then dazzling people with my knowledge. In some settings, that helped me out socially. When I was in the fifth grade and my class was doing a trivia exercise on the Presidents, many of my classmates wanted to work with me because of my Presidential knowledge! In certain religious settings, knowing your Bible is considered to be a good thing. But I've learned that knowing facts is not entirely sufficient for social situations. When I went to Harvard Divinity School, I studied the Bible intensively, hoping that my knowledge would help others and that people would be drawn to me. Well, it didn't exactly work out that way! There's a place for interacting with people on a human level----for discussing surroundings, or asking them what's going on in their lives, etc.

Where I struggle socially is that I often don't know what to talk with people about. One thing that Temple in this book recommended as a solution to this is to do different things and have a variety of experiences. And she also referred to safe subjects to discuss: the weather, pets, movies, etc.

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 20: Who's At Fault?

For my write-up today on The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationship, I'll quote something that Temple Grandin says on page 278:

"Not all social situations are ruined because of a person's autism; sometimes it's the fault of the other person involved. However, we concentrate so much on teaching appropriate behavior and responses that we overlook teaching a child or adult that all people in a social situation contribute to its success or failure. The public behaviors of typical people are not always appropriate; regularly pointing this out helps the person gain better social perspective and understand that social relationships require that all participants accept responsibility for their own actions."

It's easy for people with Asperger's Syndrome to assume that they are at fault when it comes to all of their failed social interactions. While Asperger's Syndrome may make a person come across as unusual, I don't think that means that a person with AS is the one who is always at fault in social encounters. There are plenty of neurotypical people who are judgmental, or picky, or elitist, or stand-offish, or who have bad days. I agree with Temple that people with AS (and people in general) should identify where they may have been at fault in certain social interactions, but they should not assume that they are the only ones at fault.

I'm reminded of a post that Izgad wrote in 2007. Izgad states:

"The New York Times has a story on Asperger Syndrome, Asperger’s Syndrome Gets a Very Public Face. The story focuses on Heather Kuzmich, who competed on the show America’s Top Model with much success and has now become a bit of a celebrity. While overall the article took a positive stand to Aspies, the author, Tara Parker-Pope, still insisted on describing Asperger Syndrome as a 'neurological disorder' and as a 'disability.' This is a wonderful example of a journalist coming into a story with preconceived notions and holding onto them even when they fly in the face of the facts. Heather, as the article points out, is a talented art student, is on the edge high fashion and has a knack for connecting with the camera. She was voted favorite model eight weeks in a row. So what is Heather’s problem? She had difficulty relating to the other girl’s on the show, who were at times quite mean to her. But is that a problem with her or with the other girls on the show? Heather did nothing wrong, it was the other girls who mistreated her. It is they who have a problem; it is they who need to learn to be more tolerant and accepting of other people’s differences."

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 19: Friendships

For my write-up today on The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, I'll highlight something that Sean Barron says on page 265:

"I now realize that friendships and social relationships are not black and white, that they don't follow some prescribed set of rules that exist only in my own head, and that people are human, subject to mistakes and missteps just as I am. I have had people in my life who have hurt me several times, but who also possess attractive qualities and are otherwise kind. I have kept these friendships, but have modified them by sharing less time together or by having a friendship that is more casual. Like most everything in life, friendship can exist in degrees or along a spectrum. It wasn't until I was coming out of my autism and I was able to think in more abstract ways that this made sense to me. Today, some people are good friends, some are acquaintances, and some are individuals with whom I will never have more of a relationship than one defined by social small talk. That works for me because I've learned that not everyone who is nice to me is my friend."

This is a rich passage. I have a bunch of jumbled-up thoughts right now, so I'll just write and see what comes out.

I'm told that I need friends. Getting through life alone is hard. It's nice to have people to talk with and who can help you out (and, conversely, whom you can help out). But some people have difficulty making and keeping friends. I think that's why they latch onto unhealthy relationships, or assume that anyone who gives them the time of day is their friend. Personally, I can easily find myself going the opposite route: resenting a person being nice to me, not because he or she is attracted to my qualities, but rather because that's their job (as a clerk, a waiter, etc.). But I should not see the situation that way. If I am a clerk and am paid to be nice to people, I appreciate it when customers are nice to me. It brightens my day. Consequently, I, as a customer, should either brighten the days of those who serve me in a work-related capacity, or I should at least not darken their days.

I've had issues with having friendships. I just get to the point where being around people does not make me happy. Perhaps I feel that they do not respect me or my intelligence, or I simply have difficulty coming up with things to say to them when I'm around them, or I don't like them shoving their opinions down my throat. Should I end the friendship? I suppose I can, but perhaps a better solution is to have a friendship that is more casual.

I've also found myself feeling hurt if someone likes another person better than me. I'm like, what's wrong with me? In that case, maybe I should enjoy the friendship for what it is rather than beating up on myself or being angry at someone else. As Sean says, friendship is a spectrum. There are some people with whom I click better than others, but that doesn't mean that those with whom I don't click are bad people. People click or don't click for a variety of reasons----personality compatibility, interest, shared history, etc. I should work to be a pleasant person, but I should not be hurt if someone likes another person better than me. That doesn't mean I'm a bad person, the same way that those I don't click with are not necessarily bad people.

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 18

For my write-up today on The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, I will quote something that Sean Barron says on pages 255-256:

"My myopic view of the conversational highway kicked into overdrive when it came to dating. Even into my late thirties, I interpreted a woman initiating a conversation with me as a sign of her romantic interest and failed to see the many other possible meanings. I didn't understand a most obvious unwritten social rule between men and women: friendliness is not necessarily a sign of romantic interest. As a result, my emotions with women fluctuated wildly between euphoria and heartbreak----without taking a break at any points in between. Being so absorbed in loneliness, despair and desperation made it impossible for me to see things objectively. It didn't occur to me, for example, that the female clerk in the store treated me in a friendly manner because that was part of her job. Or that a waitress might stop and chat for a few moments because she had a gregarious personality. I didn't stop to reason that women I met might have full lives of their own, and I had yet to learn that when I approach a woman I should look to see if she has an engagement or wedding ring on her finger. The unwritten social rule that you look for signs that a woman is married before you ask her out on a date, wasn't yet part of my natural social functioning."

The context of this is the rule that not everybody who is nice to me is my friend, for people can have an ulterior motive to exploit me, or people may be nice to me because that's their job, or they simply have a gregarious personality. I identify with a lot of what Sean says----especially the part about realizing that women I may have a crush on have lives of their own. Regarding the rule that "friendliness is not necessarily a sign of romantic interest", yeah, he's probably right on that. But I think that it can be a sign of romantic interest, especially when the friendliness leads to actual conversation. But I'm sensitive to the possibility of being shot down if I ask a woman out, which is why I identify with some of what Sean is saying.

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 17

For my write-up today on The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, I'll highlight something that Temple Grandin says on page 231:

"...I learned that I functioned for effectively [socially in the workplace] if I kept my interactions pretty simple: be civil, make small talk, stay away from discussing controversial subjects like religion, politics or personal issues like sex with coworkers or the boss, keep a low profile, concentrate on doing the job rather than gossiping and talking about other people. I had to learn a few other unwritten rules of the workplace in order to keep my job and develop my career: that many people you work with act in inappropriate ways, that some people won't like you despite your efforts to be cordial, and there was nothing I could, or should, do about it. That meant not offering my opinion or criticizing them or talking about them to other co-workers, and especially not tattling to the boss about what other co-workers were doing."

I think that these are good guidelines. I wouldn't absolutize all of those rules----for example, in some settings, talking about politics and religion may be a good social activity. But there are many settings in which it is not, necessarily. Speaking for myself personally, I probably would not have alienated people as much if I were not as abrasive in expressing my political and religious views.

According to Temple, at the work place, being non-threatening can help you, or at least protect you from being fired. You don't necessarily have to be the most admired or the most popular person at the job site (though that may help). You just have to be cordial and respectful. It sounds simple. Whether or not it is that simple, I don't know. But, as I look back, I probably would have done better in school or work settings if I just did my job, asked people how their weekends were, did not complain, did not feel hurt if I was not Mr. Popular, etc. Granted, I did the work, but I could have done better at practicing the soft skills----which does not mean being popular, necessarily, but rather being non-threatening.

I especially appreciate what Temple says about some people just not liking you. I've often felt like a failure if certain people did not like me. And, yes, part of that may have been my fault. But it's not entirely. Some people just don't like other people, due to personality conflicts, or being nit-picky, or whatever. Perhaps what I can do then (if possible) is not threaten them and to go about my business.

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 16

For my write-up today on The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, I'll quote something that Temple Grandin says on page 216:

"Even typical kids and adults have trouble these days understanding and interpreting their social culture and making sense of what's appropriate to do or say. Just check out the etiquette section of any large bookstore; there are tons of books out now written specifically for kids, adolescents and adults about good manners and social graces; some of them are really good. There are all sorts of Miss Manners-type websites, too. Fortune 500 companies have etiquette classes as part of grooming people for high-level management positions, because there are so many really intelligent young adults with really poor manners and social skills. The idea of 'appropriate' behavior is so context driven now, and the nuances of context are so much more complex, that it's no longer an easy part of life for anyone to figure out. It's a minefield for kids with ASD who, by their very nature, have difficulty with social context and think in rigid, black-and-white patterns."

This book was published in 2005. It seems to me, though, that I have been observing the sorts of things that Temple talks about over the past two years. Many times, when I have gone on Yahoo to check my e-mail, I have seen prominent articles about how to date, what to say on dates, how to meet people, what to say in job-interviews, etc. I often wish that there could be more articles out there on the basics----such as how to make and keep friends. But it does amaze me how many articles about social skills are out there----and are prominent.

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 15

In my latest reading of The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron, I learned about being diplomatic and not always blurting out what I think.
Something on page 209 stood out to me:

"In our eagerness for our children to be socially engaged, we encourage them to talk, we reinforce them when they respond, so they get in the habit of offering their opinions without being asked----and we delight in their social participation. But not all situations warrant a verbal comment; it's an unwritten rule in certain social relationship settings, both personal and professional, that keeping silent is preferable over offering an unsolicited opinion."

I do not think that I should wait to be asked for my opinion before I offer it. If I were to do that, I'd probably never say anything, since a lot of people like to hear themselves talk and do not ask others for others' opinions. Temple herself does not think that she should always be silent, for she talks about expressing disagreement (albeit tactful disagreement) on the floor of a conference. But I agree that there are many times when I should just remain silent----when people do not need to hear my opinion.

Temple also offers tips on how to interact with professionals. When they ask her what she thought about their presentation, and she does not like it, she first identifies something positive about it, then she offers suggestions for improvement. I am not exactly in a position to suggest areas where my academic colleagues can improve, for what do I know? But I often blurt out to fellow academics where I disagree with them at the outset, and that can put them on the defensive. I'd probably do better to commend their presentation, and then to ask a question about it (albeit not in a manner that puts them on the defensive).

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 14

In my reading of The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, Temple Grandin and Sean Barron talk about not being afraid to try and make mistakes in the area of social skills.

Temple says that her Mom encouraged her to build confidence by trying out new things, such as purchasing wood from the lumberyard, which entailed her interacting with a clerk. Sean talks about how he became a Big Brother, and he was initially socially awkward around his Little Brother because he feared making a social mistake. But he eventually loosened up, and the two of them became friends.

Up to this point, I've thought that Temple and Sean were saying that we should throw people with Asperger's into social situations and expect them to swim. I've wondered: What if they instead fall flat on their face (as I have)? But Temple appears to be sensitive to that concern, for she states that parents may be wrong to pressure their kids into highly social situations before they are ready.

Temple realizes that one becomes better at socializing by actually socializing, rather than (to use an example that she cites) being locked in one's room reading magazines and hoping to learn social skills that way. But she also recognizes that many Aspergians have been bruised by social situations, with the result that they may lack self-esteem or not even want to try anymore. What should they then do? I'd say that they may need a social script, or that they should find a supportive person with whom they can talk after a bad social experience. Books on social skills or small talk may help for the first. A therapist, family, or friends may help for the second.

One more point: I often beat myself up when I try and fail. But perhaps I should start congratulating myself for even trying. As someone told me, my victories are my own. Sure, they may not be up to the standard of other people, but they're still my victories.

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 13

I'm still reading The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron. In my latest reading, Sean said some things with which I identified.

Sean talked about when he was taking piano lessons and he wanted the fame and recognition for a job well-done that other piano players received, but he did not want to put in the practice time that was necessary for him to become better; moreover, he beat himself up over the mistakes that he made, rather than recognizing that everyone makes mistakes and using those mistakes as opportunities for growth.

Sean also talked about when he was working for a pre-school. His boss was calm and soft-spoken at first but got to the point where he did not like Sean, and a stern look from the boss could easily discourage Sean from finishing his lunch! Sean also told about a time when the school was under-staffed and he had to watch a bunch of kids. Sean was busy arbitrating fights among one pair of kids, so he did not notice kids climbing on the picnic table, which was a no-no because the kids could hurt themselves and that would get the pre-school in trouble. Sean's employer yelled at Sean. Reflecting back, Sean thought that perhaps he shouldn't have been afraid to ask for help.

I identified with a lot of what Sean said: desiring recognition without putting in the great effort that was necessary to get my name out or to do quality work; beating myself up over mistakes; being demoralized when someone does not like me; otherwise nice people disliking me; not having eyes on the back of my head; etc.

Regarding mistakes, I do not entirely know how to cope with them. When I try not to beat myself up over them, I then think that perhaps I should identify where I am at fault, or I fear that my mistakes will lead me somewhere disastrous (i.e., not having social skills will keep me from employment, and so I won't be able to support myself, etc.).

I hope that this book can show me a better way to look at my mistakes.

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 12

For my write-up today on The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron, I will discuss a story that Sean tells about an experience that he had.

Sean was in his twenties and was in the car with his Mom while they were running errands, and Sean mis-used the word "gregarious" (which means outgoing). Sean's mother told Sean that "gregarious" probably wasn't the word he intended to use, and then Sean started to beat himself up, calling himself dumb. Sean's Mom then replied that Sean calling himself dumb was itself dumb, and the situation continued to escalate.

As Sean reflects back on this experience, he concludes that there were ways that he could have prevented that situation from escalating. He could have diffused the situation with humor, or he could have simply admitted that he was wrong.

I can identify with Sean because I myself can get defensive about things like this. Like Sean before he learned coping skills, I can easily go from realizing that I made a mistake, to thinking that I am a mistake. For me, wrestling with defensiveness can be a daily battle. But, for our own sake and the sake of those around us, perhaps it's best at times not to let these things escalate into a major confrontation.

Of course, if I'm dealing with arrogant jerks who delight in putting me and the rest of the world down, then just letting things slide is much more difficult. In those situations, a proper response may be what Temple was talking about when she told a story about a plant manager who was screaming at her because the equipment was malfunctioning: she saw him as if he were a 2-year old having a tantrum, and she calmly explained to him that she did not cause the equipment to malfunction.

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 11

In The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron, Jennifer McIlwee Myers says the following about her school days, on page 138:

"One set of hidden rules that makes me nuts was the rules for gym clothes. Each year we got a handout that said all female students had to wear a solid colored t-shirt with no writing or logos and shirts with an elastic waist with no pockets, snaps, buttons, or zippers. Each year almost all of the other girls wore logoed shirts, shorts with pockets, etc. The real rule was: you can wear any t-shirt and shorts in gym as long as they provide modest coverage and don't interfere with physical activities."

I have to admit that I share the view that Jennifer had when autism had more of an influence on her reactions: that this is ridiculous! I mean, why list rules if they are not even real rules? Why tell students that they cannot wear shirts with logos and shorts with pockets, when they actually can? It makes no sense to me. If the rules are archaic and you are using a handout from 20 years ago that does not entirely apply anymore, say so, teacher! Say what is applicable, and what is not! Brother. Are there also neuro-typical people who feel that instructions should be explicit and that supervisors or teachers should say what they mean?

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 10

In my last reading of The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, Sean Barron and Temple Grandin talk about flexibility: how not all rules are universal or regarded as absolute.

Sean learned this lesson when (as a teenager) he told on students who were smoking and they did not appreciate his concern for their health. Apparently, his obsession with rules was not well-received by everyone. And Temple distinguishes among rules. Some concern "really bad things" (i.e., murder, rape, stealing), some are rules of courtesy, some are "illegal but not bad" (i.e., driving a little over the speed-limit), and some are "Sins of the System"----things that are frowned upon in one culture but not necessarily in others. Temple notes, for example, that "Being caught smoking marijuana here in the U.S. may result in years in jail; in another country the consequence may be a small monetary fine" (page 132). Temple says that she accepts and does not challenge the Sins of the System because that approach "avoids many socially-complex situations that would require an exorbitant amount of effort on my part to figure out" (page 132). I presume that she means trouble with the law.

On page 122, Temple talks about teaching autistic kids flexibility by using paint: "To understand complex situations, such as when occasionally a good friend does something nasty, I imagine mixing white and black paint. If the friend's behavior is mostly nice, the mixture is a very light gray; if the person is really not a friend then the mixture is a very dark gray." This stood out to me because of the friends I've had who have put me down in a nasty manner, and it made me reflect on any friends to whom I may have been nasty.