I’ll be returning Siri Mitchell’s Love’s Pursuit to the
library tomorrow. I may write about it more in the future. In this
post, I want to quote my favorite passage. The book is set in American
Puritan times. Nathaniel, the brother of the protagonist Susannah
Phillips, says the following, as he likens his spirituality to canes:
“We all live in a state of sin. And sometimes we plunge ourselves
into it and hide from the love of God. But if we do, have we not only
to raise our heads once more toward heaven to be rescued from our
filth?…We try so hard to bury our sin. But if we look back on what we
have done, we realize that God can create something from the whole of
us. And that we cannot hide ourselves from him.” (Page 22)
Nathaniel wonders if this could count as his conversion
experience—-the sort that people have to present to the Puritan church
if they want to become members—-but Susannah has her doubts that this
would count. She says that what Nathaniel is describing is his own
knowledge, which is external to himself. It’s not something that God is
working in his heart, an “inward work of grace”, or a sign or some
change that indicates that God is at work within him. It is simply an
idea that Nathaniel is accepting, and, if being a true Christian were
based merely on accepting propositions, anyone could claim to be a
Christian.
This is a theme that recurs throughout the book, even to the end,
when Susannah is submitting her own conversion experience to the
church. By the end of the book, Susannah has a different perspective.
She testifies to the church: “God saved me. I am certain of God’s
saving grace. I stand convinced of His love. And it has nothing to do
with my faithfulness, for I have none. I am faithless. But He pursued
me because He loved me. He wanted me.” (Page 325) Susannah had
arrived at this insight through her conversations with Daniel, a
representative of the king of England who was Susannah’s love interest,
and also by Daniel’s sacrifice of his own life for her.
After hearing her testimony, someone from the church asks Susannah if
her experience has changed her on the inside, if there is a change in
her heart, if there is internal evidence that she has experienced God’s
grace. Susannah replies: “Aside from recognizing the depth of God’s
love? Nay…I am the same wretched soul I always was.” Susannah then
realizes that the church will not accept her as a member.
This theme in the book resonated with me. There are days—-maybe even
seasons in my life—-when I look at my heart, and it does not look
changed, or renewed, or loving, or whatever many Christians say is a
sign that one has been truly saved. I have selfishness. I have
resentment. I have a lack of love. Maybe I can find some love there in
these seasons, but I wonder how exactly I differ from non-Christians
whose hearts supposedly have not been regenerated by God—-they, too, are
mixtures of good and bad. Is there any sign that God is at work in my
heart, anything I can point to and say, “That’s God”?
All I really can do in those seasons is be like Nathaniel: turn to
the sunlight of God so that I can be rescued from my filth. Trust in
God that he can make something wonderful out of me, flawed as I may be.
If I continually look at my heart to see if God is at work there, I
may be disappointed. But I can still turn to God, I believe (or so I
do, even if I struggle to believe). Incidentally, even some of the
Christian writers who make a big deal about God changing people’s hearts
say that, if you find that you lack love or that you fall short, turn
to God. Humble yourself before God. I would add what Nathaniel says:
open yourself up to the sunlight of God’s love.