The theme at church this morning was repentance and forgiveness. I'm
not always sure how to respond to that particular theme. I'm told that
I need to believe in Jesus to be saved. Do I truly believe in Jesus?
How do I know that Christianity is even true? And how do I repent? Can
I truly change and eliminate every flaw from my life? Does God even
change people? If so, then where has he been in my life? I can think
of plenty of times in my life when I wished that I could feel God's
nearness, but what I felt instead was fear. Why hasn't God taken away
my fear of people?
I'm not entirely sure
what I believe right now, but I do think that there are simple steps
that I can take each day. I can identify things that I have thought and
have done that strike me as wrong. I can ask God to forgive me, and
for the strength to have better thoughts and deeds. And maybe, as I
recognize my own flaws, I can become more understanding and charitable
when it comes to my view of others.
But
it's a struggle. I no longer impose on myself a standard of absolute
perfection. But I do have thoughts that, well, I don't think are
particularly healthy for me----thoughts of bitterness and unforgiveness
of others, for example.