These are just some musings on where I am spiritually and religiously. I haven't really had much of an opportunity to talk about this because I've been blogging through my academic reading.
I went to church on Thursday night because it was Maundy Thursday. I enjoy going to this church because the people are friendly, and, even though it may be rather conservative theologically, it does not have the excesses of evangelicalism. I even find that I feel a degree of peace and warmth when I am singing the hymns---and this hasn't been the case for me for a long time.
But I wasn't sure what to make of the sermon, which was talking about, well, Jesus. I have a hard time saying that I "know" Jesus, since, for me, he's largely a character in a book. Some of what Jesus says actually rubs me the wrong way---such as his emphasis on obedience, which has never really worked for me, since I find keeping rules to be something I'm not (a happy happy extrovert) has not worked for me. I guess that what I got out of this sermon was how lonely Jesus must have felt on the night of his supper and his arrest. The pastor noted that, in Da Vinci's painting of the Last Supper, none of the disciples speaks to Jesus. And, in Gospel stories, the disciples argue at the meal about who is the greatest, or they sleep when Jesus wants them to pray for him. (I realize that I'm conflating Gospels here.) Of course, Peter said that he was willing to die for Jesus, but Jesus knew that Peter would deny him three times.
I think that the sermon was encouraging us to think about the model of sin and repentance---we should repent because Jesus died for our sins. What I marvel at as I reflect on the sermon, however, is how Jesus loved and saw potential in his disciples, even though he knew that they'd let him down---and even that they were at that very moment letting him down! I marvel at that kind of love---which can feel lonely and ignored and rejected, and experience the pain that comes with all that, and yet look beyond that pain through the eyes of love. I'd say that such love is disinterested---that Jesus chose to love and to ignore any hurt feelings he may have had. But, in my opinion, it's not just that. I remember Tim Keller giving a sermon about Jacob---and how Jacob worked all those years so he could marry Rachel, but those years went by fast because he loved Rachel so much---and Tim Keller said that we were Jesus' Rachel. When Hebrews 12:2 says that Jesus endured the cross for the joy that was before him, that joy was not so much his glorification or reuniting with the Father, but rather Jesus being in relationship with us. We're the joy that was before Jesus---the goal that motivated him to go to the cross, and also to endure all of the pain that preceded that.
What troubles me is Jesus' command that we are to love one another as he loves us. There are people I like, and people I dislike. I'm learning to appreciate even more the people who are friendly, as I reflect on all the jerks I've met in my life. I can try to wish those jerks well---or at least not wish them harm. But I can't love them as Jesus loved me. I can't desire to be around them. And so Jesus' command is a burden for me, as are many of his commands.
I'll stop here, for the time being.