There’s an interesting discussion going on under Rachel Held Evans’ post, Why Glenn Beck Isn’t A Big Deal. What really got to me was a comment by Char:
I view both of my sons as even tempered, respectful, mature, and knowledgeable young men. Yet, they have become very angry toward evangelicalism. As a mother, I finally chose to listen trying to understand. I am now convinced that much of their anger is a righteous anger toward the lies and denials of a generation that claims to know everything about “Absolute Truth” and the only right kind of saving faith. Actually, I believe that behind their anger lie deep disappointment, grief, and confusion. I welcome their anger. I am challenged by it. I feel exposed by it. I ask them to keep raising their voice. I do not expect the younger generation to respond to their disappointments and disillusionment with the maturity and wisdom of the elderly. As of now, I want to hear the cry behind their anger and the message it conveys to me. I am convinced that their appeal is not about agreement and disagreement. It goes much deeper than that.
I found her reference to “the maturity and wisdom of the elderly” to be condescending, but perhaps there’s something to that. Maybe older people can handle disappointments and disillusionment with poise and maturity. But I’ve heard and read plenty of rants from people in their fifties and older, so it’s not a universal principle!
Char’s comment reminds me of something that’s been on my mind for quite a while: Why am I so angry at evangelicalism? So I’m not much of a conservative evangelical these days. Do I have to be upset at evangelicals? Can’t I move on and live my spiritual life in peace? What’s keeping me from doing so?
So evangelicals claim to “know everything about ‘Absolute Truth’ and the only right kind of saving faith.” I disagree with them. I disagree with a lot of people, including myself. But why does my disagreement with them have to entail me being angry and ranting against them in my mind on a continual basis?
Is it because I’ve always expected them to be friendly and accepting—since they are Christians—and I’ve been disappointed with them when they’ve not been? That’s part of it. I feel as if certain evangelicals have hurt me, and that there’s some sort of debt that they owe me. But that’s not the whole story, for there have been conservative evangelicals who have accepted me, on some level. But I’ve felt like an outsider to their cliques for the past few years because I don’t see eye-to-eye with them on significant issues. Even if they’re nice people, I don’t agree with the Islamophobia and hard-core dogmatic Republicanism that I observe among many of them. And I haven’t really found a community of more liberal Christians. I don’t fit in among liberals because I feel as if I have to impress them intellectually for them to accept me, and I can’t do that. And so, in certain respects, I feel I’m walking my spiritual journey alone (though there are things that I attend that are helpful to me along the way).
Am I jealous of evangelicals because they appear to have their lives together? I can admire their sense of inner peace, and how they help each other out. But I don’t envy their smug attitude or the bigotry (i.e., Islamophobia) that I’ve noticed among them. I also feel as if I’m not good enough to be around Christians, conservative or liberal. Here are people who reach out to others, who go to other countries to either convert them to their religion, or to help them with their needs. They have a strong sense of mission. I, by contrast, am obsessing over whether others like me, as I try to handle my discomfort among people. I just have a hard time getting out of myself. And I’ve continually found it difficult to make Christianity work for me—for it to be a path that I could comfortably travel. “But it’s not about your comfort”, Christians may tell me. Yeah, but it’s often seemed to me as if other Christians have intuitive knowledge about how to be good Christians—at peace with themselves and with others—whereas I lack this. It’s like I’ve been trying to be a Christian, without a Christian gene.
Am I angry in my present state because I’m rebelling against God? The thing is, I wasn’t happy when I was a conservative evangelical. I felt as if I wasn’t good enough because I was a shy introvert, and I thought God only liked people who could make a difference for Christ among their fellow human beings. I had a hard time shaking certain sins, such as lust and resentment. Consequently, the Bible passages about God not hearing the prayers of those who clung to sin really disturbed me. I found Christianity to be narrow in light of the great big world that was out there. My encounter with people who experienced spiritual transformation or growth outside of an explicit Christian context led me to believe that God could be involved in the lives of non-Christians, not just Christians. But, for some reason, I can’t just accept this premise and move on. My anger at evangelicalism remains.
I’m not sure if finding a particular belief system will make me feel hunky-dory, for I’ve been unhappy and discontent in whatever belief system I have found myself. And I feel alone because others are so, well, different from me. I’m not sure how to navigate that, to be honest.