A Strong Woman, Honesty in Marriage

Frank Schaeffer, Crazy for God (Cambridge: Carroll and Graf, 2007) 105-106.

Frank includes this 1961 letter from his mom, Edith:

Dear Frankie,

I had a special blessing from the Lord today. Fran had to spend the night over at Rotterdam so I was here at this lovely little hotel all alone. I was able to sleep for an hour and a half last night, then got up to type all the letters dad dictated as well as write to you. The special blessing was that with Fran away I had time to get all my work done and also to wash and iron Fran's clothes. You see before he left he said, "Edith, you make sure you have ALL my clothes clean and pressed BEFORE I get back tomorrow!!!" Well, I had been praying about how I could wash and iron all his clothes AND type up all his correspondence. And the Lord showed me because with Fran away for the night I didn't have to accompany him to the dining room and eat. And so I was able to skip all my meals and not sleep till 3 AM and was able to wonderfully use those extra hours the Lord gave me to do all the work. Then when Fran got back the next day since the Lord had provided me a room with a bath I took a really relaxing twenty minute bath! And do you know what? In spite of the fact I'd had practically no sleep, had been doing Fran's laundry in the hotel tub and typing up his letters, and had not eaten for 24 hours and had also found time for 3 hours of uninterrupted prayer, in spite of all this, when Fran came back I felt and looked as fresh and rested as if I had been on a nice long vacation!!!

Love Mom.

I hope I haven't violated copyright laws by posting this letter, and I'll remove it if I have. But the letter stood out to me. The reason is that it was Edith's account of her marriage to Francis Schaeffer. Frank presents Francis as a person with a lot of good traits: he listened to people; he welcomed homosexuals to L'Abri in the 1950's-1960's, a time when homosexuals had to be in the closet; he was a tender father; he loved beauty; he was compassionate. But, according to Frank, Francis could also get moody and depressed. He had a temper. At times, he was abusive to his wife. Like all of us, he had good and bad aspects to his character.

People have criticized Frank's portrayal of his mother, Edith, asserting that it's mostly negative. Although he does present a lot of negative, there's a part of me that actually admires her after reading Crazy for God. And I find things to admire about her as I continue through Portofino. Edith was a strong woman. She acknowledges in her letter that Francis wasn't always kind to her, but she found strength and wisdom in her personal relationship with God. She believed that God loved her, guided her, and refreshed her. And she saw God's presence and blessings in the mundane details of day-to-day life. She embodied the verse, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

I'm not sure if I'd totally emulate her, though. I need my sleep! I tried to pull all-nighters two times in my academic career, and I did not feel refreshed, to say the least. But I do hope that I can imitate her habit of seeing God in everyday life, of being so grounded in him that other people's rudeness doesn't get to me that much.

I read more of Portofino this morning, and there was a scene in which Elsa (who represents Edith) was trying to look pretty for her husband, but he didn't appreciate it. During one of the family's meals that day, her husband said the prayer, and she kept her eyes closed a few minutes after the prayer was complete. She then offered to help her husband. Their son, young Calvin (Frank), said that Elsa was getting back at her husband by trying to appear more spiritual and Christ-like than him.

That often annoys me about Christians: I wonder if they're helping me because they're truly nice, or if it's because they want to show how righteous they are. And I wonder if others have the same impression of me when I help them. Some appreciate my help, but others may wonder if I have a hidden agenda.

On some level, I admire Elsa for sticking to her principles and being kind to her husband, even when he didn't give her the appreciation she desired. And yet, does such an approach compromise honesty? As confident as she may have appeared, was she afraid that honesty would have put her husband in one of his bad, turbulent moods?

I'm not married, so what I'm about to say is speculative. In marriage, I think there's a place for cheerfully serving and letting things go. But there's also a place for honesty. Taken to their extremes, the former can be a hindrance to honest communication, while the latter can degenerate into bitter arguments that can lead to divorce. In my opinion, there needs to be a middle ground between these two extremes.