I've been going to a therapist to learn some social skills, and I'll probably communicate to my readers what I am learning over the next several months. To many of you, what I'll be discussing is basic common sense. But maybe you can use my posts to help other people who struggle socially, or perhaps you yourself are a reader who can benefit. Moreover, as is often the case, my writing is intended to help myself as well as others. As K.W. Leslie says about his blog, The Evening of Kent, blogging is a form of free therapy.
Yesterday, my therapist emphasized the importance of using people's names when one is speaking with them. He asked me if I did that, and I thought back. Sometimes I did, and sometimes I didn't. My therapist gave me an assignment: at a meeting that I attend, I am to say "hello" and/or "good bye" to people while using their names, and then see how they respond. I didn't have to engage them in small talk (I'm taking baby steps, here!)--I just had to say "hello" and/or "good bye" to them while using their names.
Well, this is a habit that I will have to work on! When I spoke with my sister last night on the telephone, I did not address her by name. I hit myself after I realized that! But Rome wasn't built in a day.
As my therapist told me, we like to hear our own names. When someone uses our names in a conversation, that conveys that he or she regards us as individuals with worth. The conversation is being personalized. And, interestingly, we tend to key in on people who address us by name. We most likely forget about those who do not.
My therapist also stressed that two people knowing each others' names is the foundation of a relationship. Sure, there is more, but knowing names is the bedrock. I often ask myself, "How do I know if I have a relationship with certain people?" Well, do I know their names? Do they know mine? These are reliable indicators.
That being said, the question that immediately enters my mind is, "But does it work?" Can I win friends and influence people by learning people's names and telling them mine? Allow me to respond to my question by preaching to myself. I have two answers:
1. There have been times when greeting people by name has not resulted in a friendship, so it is not necessarily an "open sesame" for creating relationships. But, whether it always works or not, it is still the polite thing to do. I should treat others with dignity and respect, even if they don't do so in return. As I've often heard in various self-help settings, my job is to work on myself. I'm not totally responsible for what other people do.
2. There have been many times when greeting people by name has worked, in the sense that they have responded positively. There have been times when it hasn't worked as well as I hoped, but, looking back, the experience was probably a little better than I remember it. I tend to focus on the negative when it comes to the past and the present! And there were times when it did not work. But, if there is a chance that it will work, why not try it? There is a greater likelihood that people will respond negatively (or not respond positively) if I do not do so. So why do I often opt for the latter option?
Somehow along the way, I had convinced myself that I should not address people by name if they didn't know me too well, or if I didn't know them. "Who's this freak, and how's he know my name?" I could imagine them thinking. Some examples go through my mind. When I was in high school, these girls were talking about a young man who had greeted them by name. They thought that he was a dweeb (he wasn't me, at least not that time!), so they said, "It knows my name!" They wondered how he knew them. Was he a stalker?
When I was at Jewish Theological Seminary, there was a woman who attended a lot of lectures. She wasn't a student, but she enjoyed learning. Well, she greeted a doctoral student by name, and the doctoral student later asked me, "Who is this woman, and how does she know my name?"
Then there was an episode of the Andy Griffith Show, in which a stranger came to Mayberry and greeted everyone by name. He knew them because he was a subscriber to the Mayberry newspaper, even though he did not live in the town (or even the state). Well, he kind of freaked everyone out! "How's this person know me? Who is he?"
But perhaps I should see these situations as opportunities. Hopefully, they'd ask me, "How do you know my name?" Then, I could respond, "Because you're in my class," or "I was just thumbing through the yearbook and noticed your picture" (though, in the latter case, I'd be careful not to look like a stalker, which I'm not). Then, I'd say, "And my name is James." I'm not sure if my therapist would endorse what I said in this paragraph (since these are my ideas), but he did say that it's important for others to know my name as well. And if they don't know it or remember it, then I should tell them. For parity to exist in a relationship, both parties should know each others' names.
One thing that I will try to do in these social skills posts is to tie what I learn to my religious tradition, particularly the Bible. There have been many times when I've said, "The Bible does not tell me how to behave socially. It tells me to love, but it doesn't specify how! The Bible can't guide me on how to lead my day-to-day life!" Well, maybe it can, and I'm just missing something. The rabbis have a saying: "Turn it and turn it again, for you do not know what it contains." They meant that the Bible has a lot more information than we may initially think, but we need to keep on reading it. We should never assume that we are complete experts on the Bible, for the Bible can surprise us. There may be more depth there than we assume!
Interestingly, when I look back, I can identify ways that people have tied the use of names to Jewish or Christian traditions. When I was at Harvard Divinity School, I had to participate in a small group that focused on field education. M.Div. students had to do a form of field education, and they would write about their experiences as they sought guidance from their religious tradition (which, at Harvard, could encompass a lot!). Well, there was this one young woman who was working at a soup kitchen, and she told us about a mentally ill person who was becoming disruptive. She asked him what his name was, and he started to calm down. Her inspiration was the New Testament story of the Gerasene demoniac in Mark 5, in which Jesus asked him his name. Jesus chose to humanize someone by asking him for his name, as did that young woman at the soup kitchen. And the result was powerful!
During the Christmas season, I was reading some of Madeleine L'Engle's books. In A Wind in the Door, L'Engle talks about the practice of naming someone, which means regarding a person as an individual with value. And she has biblical support for the concept. After all, God calls the stars by name (Psalm 147:4; Isaiah 40:26), takes notice of every sparrow that falls, and numbers the hairs on our heads (Matthew 10:29-31). And here is my own Bible verse to support Madeleine L'Engle's thesis: God told Israel in exile, "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine" (Isaiah 43:1 NRSV). God assured Israel of his love when he called her by name. And that is how we can show people that we value them personally.
As I said above, before I attended my counseling session yesterday, sometimes I addressed people by name, and sometimes I did not. I really didn't think about it, to tell you the truth. Now, I consciously know the importance of using people's names in conversations. I no longer have to stumble around in the darkness as badly, for I know of this important rule. The truth has set me free.
But I still have a lot to learn. What do I say after I greet people by name? That's where I get tongue-tied! But, as I said, Rome wasn't built in a day!