But I'm Not Jesus

Yesterday, I talked about an ogre on an Internet video who was questioning certain Christian doctrines. I'd like to quote a piece of my post:

"The ogre reported that he received an e-mail saying, 'Jesus loves you, but if you don't accept him you will go to hell.' The ogre thought that this kind of love appeared to be conditional. He said that he could understand conditional love, since he loved his wife when she looked like a super-model, but he left her when she was picking up weight and getting to be a slob. But he confessed that he was shallow. For him, Jesus should be a cut above him."

I admire the ogre's honesty. He admits that he is shallow, but he expects Jesus to be better than him.

In the 2002 movie, White Oleander, Allison Lohman plays a teenage girl who is bounced from one foster home to the other. Her first foster home is with a radical born-again Christian, who is played by Jenny (or Joi-noi) from Forrest Gump. Jenny was a stripper before her conversion, and, although she left behind that life when she became a Christian, her born again experience did not result in complete sinlessness. Sure, she went to church, preached incessantly to those around her, and adopted foster children, but she also lived with her boyfriend outside the bond of matrimony. She gets jealous of Allison Lohman because she (Allison) is developing a bond with her (Jenny's) boyfriend. Jenny tells Allison that she has worked hard and waited long to get a reliable boyfriend, and she's not going to let Allison get in the way. Jenny asks Allison to leave, and Allison replies, "Jesus would give me a chance." Jenny responds, "Oh, I'm not Jesus, baby. Far from it!"

I can sympathize with the ogre and Jenny. Just because I'm a Christian, that doesn't mean that my flaws magically go away. Let's take my shallowness. I would like to marry a woman who looks good, and I hope that she maintains her good looks over time. That's not all that I want in a woman, mind you, but it's one thing I seek. And I also have some of the emotions that Jenny displays in White Oleander: insecurity, fear, jealousy, resentment, and yet some desire to do good.

But, yes, I hope that Jesus is a cut above me. I want Jesus to be the type of person who loves everyone, regardless of appearance. Hopefully, he sticks with me and gives me all sorts of chances, even if I do not deserve them.

I guess my problem is that many Christians expect me to be like Jesus. You've heard the popular slogan "WWJD," "What would Jesus do?" "Jesus was social and went to parties and reached out to people, so you should be social and go to parties and reach out to people." "Jesus was confident and magnetic, so you should be confident and magnetic" (someone actually gave me that as dating advice). "God forgives you, so you should forgive others."

But I'm not Jesus. I'm far from being perfect. I am introverted and nervous around people, so I have a hard time being social and outgoing. Words to not come naturally to me in social situations as they did for Jesus. I also have a problem with self-confidence (or complete faith in God, for that matter). And my petty anger against others continues to exist. Telling me that Jesus was a certain way does not magically change me. My nervous fear, loss of words, and petty anger are still there.

I have a hard time loving Jesus when he's being held up to me as an example to which I can't measure up. It's like a parent saying to a child, "Why can't you be more like your older brother?" In my case, I feel as if I'm continually told, "Why can't you be more like Jesus?" Because I'm not Jesus! I have my own temperament, emotions, and way of doing things. Why did God make us different, if he expects us all to be like the same person?

I don't deny that the Bible tells us to imitate Jesus. We see it all over the place. "[J]ust as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive" (Colossians 3:13 NRSV). "[W]hoever says, 'I abide in him,' ought to walk just as he walked" (I John 2:6). "Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 2:5). "This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you" (John 15:12). "For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you should follow in his steps" (I Peter 2:21).

I'm thinking about that verse "Love one another, as I have loved you." I can't love most people that much. So am I supposed to be willing to die for any Christian? Sure, I can be polite to other people, but I can't love them as God loves me. I don't even want a deep connection with every single person. God, by contrast, pursues a relationship with me.

But I do admire Jesus. And I'd like to be like him. I want to be forgiving and unconditionally loving. I'd love to have a confidence that proceeds from a genuine mission in my life. And I'm talking about a real mission that I want to pursue, not something that some evangelical says I should do. I'm sorry, I don't feel a calling to be a salesman with an evangelical script, trying to get people's confidence so that I can sell them a dogma. I'd like to do something that's honest.

Jesus could stick by his disciples even when they betrayed him. I admire that. I see the value of what he did. I hope he's like that with me. But that's not the way I am. If someone treats me badly or does not accept me, then I have a hard time interacting with that person. I just don't know what to say or do. I feel uncomfortable in that person's presence. I'm not like Jesus, and I don't know how to be like him. I'm like someone who's divorced: I can admire a man who sticks with his marriage, but that doesn't mean that I'm like him. I just don't have it in me.

And what bothers me more is when God says that he will treat me as I treat others. If there were a passage that I could remove from the Bible, it would be Matthew 6:14-15: "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

Look, I am not God. If someone hurts me, I get mad. Sure, I wouldn't hurt that person back, but that doesn't mean that I have to be in a relationship with him or her. Should God penalize me because I'm not perfect like he is? I need God's unconditional love to heal. If I have hurts, I'd like for God to put his arm around me and tell me that he loves me. That could help me heal and (hopefully) love. Instead, I feel that he says, "Well, if you don't straighten up and get your emotions together, I won't forgive you." At least that's the impression that I get from Matthew 6:14-15. Other passages present God as more faithful and loving.

I also have a problem when Christians lower Jesus to their level. "Jesus had a temper and overturned tables in the Temple. He also told off the Pharisees. Therefore, I can be a jerk with a temper!" I'm sure that Jesus' anger had more sophistication, righteousness, and just cause than ours will ever have.

But what do you expect the Christians to do? They are told that they need to be like Jesus. If they're not, they're displeasing God. And so, when they fall short, they have to make themselves feel better in some way. They want to feel righteous and in God's favor. Consequently, they justify their behavior in religious terms. And one way they do this is by bringing Jesus down to their level.

But the ogre and Jenny do not do that. They simply acknowledge that they have inner problems, whereas Jesus did not. They admit that they're not like Jesus, but they hope that Jesus is more than they are. And there is a certain humility that comes with that.